My peacebuilding seminar began with our instructor asking us to close our eyes and breathe. None of us knew each other, and we were joining from all over the world on Zoom. At first, most of us rolled our eyes and peeked at one another. Meditation felt awkward, silly–a waste of time.
But quickly, our instructor broke us into pairs. We were going to try “reflective listening.” One person would speak, while the other listened, and then repeated back what they heard before eventually responding. Twenty seconds passed, and I had already begun to struggle. My mind was racing ahead to what I wanted to say next, and the effort of listening and repeating back without interrupting or adding my perspective felt almost impossible.
I had been trained to have one kind of conversation: to analyze, research, find facts, all in service of eventually articulating my own opinion. But I had not been taught to sit quietly and be present with someone saying something I didn’t agree with.
Then I realized that this wasn’t only true for me, it was a window into the challenge our entire country is facing.
Public trust in government is very low and has been eroding for decades. According to the Pew Research Center, only 22% of Americans report trusting Washington to do the right thing most of the time. This shows up in how we talk to each other–online and in person. Families avoid controversial topics at dinner or on calls, students hold back in class, and communities stop listening altogether.
It is often said that the answer is ‘critical thinking’ or knowing more about current events. While these are important skills, my experience in the seminar showed me that they are not enough. You can know everything in the world, be completely right, and still be unable to have a conversation. Conversations take two players–facts and opinions can’t build bridges if no one is listening to them.
This is why I believe we need to teach conversational literacy: the ability to slow down, listen, and to navigate disagreement without criticism or cruelty.
In my seminar, we practiced small habits that anyone could try. We repeated back what we heard before responding, expressed when we felt defensive instead of arguing, and asked questions to understand where someone was coming from. We caught misunderstandings early, and fixed them quickly. At first it felt awkward and uncomfortable, but as we practiced more, it became easier to stay patient, slow down, and keep our conversations moving forward–even when we didn’t agree.
Research supports what we practiced in our seminar. A recent study found that structured, face-to-face conversations reduced political hostility across party lines. This shows that listening itself can help bring people together. We already learn how to write essays, give presentations, and build arguments; why not also learn how to talk to and listen to one another?
Building skills like these will help people live and work together, and maybe even make our politics a little better. I used to think that being good at making a point was what mattered most, but now I think good conversations matter even more. My experience didn’t change what I believed, but it did change how I listened. And when my partner and I really listened to each other, we heard each other.
We already teach students how to read critically and check sources. It’s time we also teach them how to listen generously, speak clearly, and repair quickly when conversations break down. In an age of division, conversational literacy is essential because it gives us a way to use words as windows into others instead of walls protecting us.