They say that we all lie, but that there are those among us who lie an extreme amount. I fell for one of these people. Thirty-six years old, at the top of my game with a salaried job and close friends, I was so very optimistic. He was charismatic, in sales for a tech company, and convincing as a man of integrity.
He made a great pitch and I fell for it and for him. Too soon there were misunderstandings that felt more like revisionist history; narratives not supported by our shared reality. However, he became instrumental to what I thought was a shared dream. And, the potential overwhelmed my intuition.
So, he kept lying and I stayed.
Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance claims that Trump did not lose the 2020 election. Journalists speculate Trump demands that that particular line not be crossed. They lie and supporters stay.
There are many reasons we stay. We believe the lies. We think people will change, despite the contrary evidence. We stay because accepting the truth can feel like we are giving up. In denial, we keep hope. If we acknowledge the lies, we have to admit that we were wrong, we were duped. Finally, for many of us, there is also the ever-present looming punishment, the discard or the rage that comes if we confront the con.
Often, the charisma con men present publicly is temporary. Behind it there are so many possibilities, including anger and aggression. When we follow spouters of alternative facts, we enable the con. Our silence is culpability. However, for many of us if we speak up, we risk retaliation.
Attaching to a con man broke valuable areas of my life. I lost housing, good friends and more. It was chaos being connected to someone who spun their life without the rule that truth is a virtue, who lived as if there were no consequences. The outpouring of so much gaslighting was confusing. The DARVO, deny, attack and reverse victim and offender order, was sloppy.
DARVO is often used as a framework to help survivors understand how abusers turn the tables. As a sociologist, I also see it play out in our culture and in the political realm, for example, how when women report abusers, the abusers deny the allegations, attack the survivor and thus, the roles of victim and offender, are reversed. Or, how Trump rallies white men. He denies racism, attacks and accuses those advocating for racial justice. In so doing, he encourages white men to claim victim status.
However, the truth remains. Abusers continue to abuse, White Supremacy continues its reign and Trump continues to prolifically lie to the American public. He manipulates facts, and people, to bend to his will. He rages, breaks things, and renders people disposable if they end their loyalty to him. He devalues the lives of those who do not do as he says. Opposed, he might explode in violence. He seeks power beyond the realm of that which is considered legal. And still, large numbers of people will vote for him.
Trump supporters, consider what is sacrificed when you enable the con. Valuable relationships can fracture and boundaries can be crossed when we enable manipulators. Internally, have morals been dismissed, sidestepped or overridden? Can one adhere to a value system while supporting someone who does not seem to have one? Are certain segments of the population now your enemy?
In these final days before the election, Trump is turning to more violent and racist rhetoric. Is an escalation of violence and racism something you want as a part of your legacy? When I stayed, I risked hurting myself and the people closest to me. The enabling of Trump, as a potential leader of one of the most powerful nations in the world, has far more broad-reaching consequences. John Kelly, chief of staff during the Trump White House, warns us Trump’s character may take our country down a path too close to fascism.
None of our reasons are good enough to stay. Imbalanced relationships waste us. It took me support groups, advocates, therapy, warm lines and a sponsor to figure out how not to be such an easy mark. For Trump supporters the steps may be simpler, a day of reflection and a non-vote may suffice. If we can leave, we do. The best way to love a con man is to walk away.